Leap of Faith

My love story with Pujyashri Gurudev is like a true Bollywood movie love story with all the drama… First the heroine hates the boy – then she slowly falls in love with him, then there is that inevitable fight which pulls them apart and the joyous reunion and The End, well in my case not the end but the beginning.

The Early Days

Who is this man that Shyam, my husband, is running after? What is so great about Him? Why is Shyam mad after Him? Our life was fine without Him having to come and “ruin” everything for us. As the distance between Shyam and me grew wider, I had inevitably allowed Pujyashri Gurudev to creep into my life, if only to save and salvage our relationship. A friend of mine recommended trying out what Shyam was so interested in. Once I gave Him that little space, little did I know that He would take over my entire life!

The entire process happened underground – it was something solid, committed and deep. It was faith. I had allowed my head to process it, my heart to feel it and now my mouth to speak it. It all started with Tumhari Amrita, a skit, where unknowingly I read every letter of that play looking directly into His eyes. How I spoke I didn’t know, for I had lost my voice and I didn’t know any of the letters by heart. Today I can proudly say it was He who flowed through me. Then came another skit – Mother Teresa.

I remember so clearly, in the Group meeting Bapa was reading, “Come be my light.” I think I must have cried for the first time. I cried through the entire meeting and I still don’t know why. I believe I was washing away the ignorance, the lack of trust and was cleansing my soul for the Lord to begin His work on me, through me. I just could not understand what was happening to me. Was I mad? I had done all these plays because I enjoyed being part of a drama. Little did I know that I had planted a little seed of love and these plays were nurturing them into a strong deep-rooted tree.

After Mother Teresa, He asked me what had touched me the most. Without thinking I replied, “It’s not whether something is big or small, it is how much love you put in that matter.” I had no idea why I said those words but today I realise that from that day on, no matter what I did, I would give it hundred percent of love and I found that nothing was too difficult or impossible to do.

I am a Muslim by birth. And He has constantly encouraged me to read the Holy Quran. He has, on 3 different occasions, given me the Quran personally to read. It was a sign. I need to understand my roots. I started classes in Gujarati. It was beautiful. Every morning I had the teacher come over and we would unravel the mysteries of this wonderful scripture. It was only a medium which brought me closer to Him. Not even once, directly or indirectly did He ever indicate to me that I need to change my religion. It was always about discovering my True Self.

Letting Go

The two most dramatic incidents of my life were when we decided to change our children’s school and moving to Prithvi Apartments. Did He tell us to change their school? No. My kids went to one of the most coveted schools in Mumbai. I was proud of it too, as it was my school. And here He is telling me, looking directly into my eyes that our holidays will not be together now, as that school had holidays in May and the newly started IB school, which other Garbharpits went to, had them in June. But how could I give up such good education for holidays?

Well, He had hinted at something. The hint was not lost on me. It was the beginning of losing ‘Me.’ Those two months, I went through mental turmoil. My attachment to my school and my concepts started loosening. I learnt that all decisions have to be made with your head and your heart working in tandem. If made with only one, most probably it will be the wrong decision. And most importantly, all decisions have to be made with Him being present. No decision is complete if He is not involved in it. And He, in some form or another always gives me my answer. It’s just the matter of how tuned I am with Him. It’s just that much easier.

The second most important incident was moving to Prithvi Apartments. What is so great about that? Well firstly, we are always in His aura. We get to see Him almost every day. Even if it means that we had to move from a large house into a house half its size. It was then I realised that size did not matter; it was your heart which was important. How can you live without His love?

Your world revolves around making Him happy. You live for His smile. The “I” dissolves and He is the most important. What does He like? Is He happy? The world then seems like such a wonderful place. How can you live any other way?

The Big Lesson

The world is so wonderful when in love. I was blessed with seva as the Head of Samarpit Shibir with Sharnarpit Nipa Shah and member of the SRY Programme Management Committee. What more could I ask for? Life was great. But He was not satisfied with life being great. He wanted to free me from my flaws and faults.

During one of the Samarpit Shibirs, Nipa and I were flying high. We got to meet Gurudev every morning and discuss the shibir with Him. On the last day we made a blunder. So badly, that in a second we lost His Rajipo. He was so unhappy that He didn’t even talk to us or give us a chance to say sorry.

The reason of the blunder was that we lost our connection with Him. We thought we had done everything right. But karta bhav, the villain of my love story, destroyed everything by making me weak and lose His connection. The entire evening, from that moment went downhill. Everything that could have done wrong went wrong. Things that we were so sure about also went wrong.

The biggest realisation to me was that I, Mehnaz, could make a mistake and I too could lose my connection with Him. Something that I thought was impossible. And what is the big deal if you lose connection with Him for a second? What wrong can possibly happen? What wrong? Your entire world can come to a grinding halt. He, you realise, is so important. How much He carries you through your life, through all the good, through all the bad. He is there by your side. This realisation has changed my life forever.

The important thing I have learnt is His love is unconditional, but is mine? His love is boundless, is mine? He is ready to help me, am I ready to take that help? He will be with me no matter what, am I ready to stand with Him no matter what? He has faith in my abilities; do I have faith in mine? He sees God in me; do I see God in myself?

I am one of those blessed souls to have a Guru in my life. How do I even begin to comprehend what I have gained from these priceless experiences. He has been watching over me continuously. Watching and carving and sculpting me slowly but surely. How do I thank Him for what He has done for me? My every step, my every breath is indebted to Him for bringing me to this path. It is His power, His grace, His compassion which has kept me here. It is just His grace, grace and more grace. Thank you does not suffice and are mere words, it is my transformation, my upliftment which I wish to offer at His Lotus Feet.

Please Note: This Tale of Transformation was published in Sadguru Echoes magazine, November 2012 issue.